Forever Spoiled
If you have never seen Star Wars, Do Not Read.
Of all the tragedies of my generation – the shadow of a cold war, the restrictions of an over-zealous drug war, and the dangers of STDs and TV-fed apathy – what really depresses me is that we always knew Vader was Luke’s father.
I saw The Empire Strikes Back in 1980, the year it was released into theaters,
also the year I was released from the womb. I saw Luke accept Vader as
his father before I accepted that hairy guy in the next seat over as my
own father. At the ripe age of zero years old, my parents spoiled the
whole thing for me. Even if they hadn’t, someone else would have.
Kids today are generally exposed to Star Wars references far before they
actually see the movies. If you remember, the climax of Toy Story 2 has
the Evil Emperor Zurg revealing to Buzz Lightyear that he is, in fact,
Buzz’s father.
Much of Star Wars virtue lies in what has now been spoiled. Imagine with
me, your shock upon finding out that Luke and Leia are siblings. First,
your mind rushes through the movies to find hints. Yoda telling Obi Wan
that there is another cause for hope besides Luke. The frequent psychic
links between Luke and Leia. And then you remember how Leia and Luke kissed,
and how pleased Luke seemed to be about it, and how really gross that
is. And then suddenly you realize that this means Leia is the daughter
of Vader! How could this all have happened, your mind races, your heart
beats faster, you scream into the theater “This is a freakin’
great movie!”
But for us, it never happens. The mystery is absent; I always knew. Without
these wonderful twists, what do we have? Mediocre acting, cheesy special
effects, a Muppet that sounds exactly like Grover, and poorly choreographed
fight scenes, mixed in with some really horrible dialogue.
But, we still love the movies. I own the DVDs. My girlfriend and I watch
them all the time. When Vader’s theme plays, accompanied by the
only sound of breathing that has ever worked its way into the popular
consciousness, goose bumps are really the only viable response. Han’s
nonchalant bravery and Luke’s naïve excitement and desire for
adventure rub me in all the right ways. “Luke, I am your father,”
certainly has less of a kick to it than it should, but there’s something
in the strength and relationships of the characters, and the weight of
the situations, that keeps us interested despite the loss of the twists.
Still, I wish I had the chance to do it over again. I want to know what
I would think, how I would feel upon actually being surprised by one of
my favorite movies. I love Star Wars, but I there will always be a hole
in my relationship with it, the love will always be incomplete. Even worse,
no future generation will ever have a complete relationship with Star
Wars. We are forever spoiled. How can my children be protected against
this misery? Could I shield them, forbid any films with Star Wars references,
deprive them of Toy Story 2, Clerks, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure
and countless others until they reach an appropriate age?
Later this week, Revenge of the Sith will lock our fate. We will watch
Anakin make his deal with the Devil, and cast himself into the Dark Side.
It may strengthen the story, and make the Star Wars saga even more powerful,
but it also ensures that no one will ever again be surprised by the conclusion
of Vader and Luke’s duel in Cloud City. It will never again be a
secret, no one is safe from the spoiling.
For a full year I wrote a weekly column for a daily paper in Boulder CO. I wrote about being young, poor and green, and the column was widely loved throughout the city. It remains one of the most rewarding things I've ever done.
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