I just did some quick calculations and it turns out that I’ve peed about 36,000 times. I find that fascinating. But, because I have done it so many times, I find the actual act of urination quite routine. Peeing is boring, time-consuming, and sometimes even annoying, but it must be done. While I know that upright urination, from a man’s perspective, is boring, I’ve just realized that it might be a fascinating subject to the other half of the world. I have accrued a large amount of knowledge concerning male urination, and I think (I hope) that women might be curious to learn what has become second nature to half of the world. So, this one is for all the ladies. Men, I suppose, can keep reading if they want.
While you ladies have little choice upon entering the powder house, men
can choose; To stand, or to sit. Almost invariably, we stand. We stand
out of laziness. It’s faster, doesn’t require removing clothes,
and we can just walk away when we’re done. Any other reasons you
may have heard are probably just covering up for the real truth: we’re
just lazy.
We are also inconsiderate. If you have ever lived with a man, you may
be aware of our partial inability to keep the area surrounding the toilet
100% dry. Do not accuse us of poor aim, that is not where the problem
lies. Our supposed inaccuracy actually can result from one of two events.
First, the splitting of the stream. Occasionally, abnormalities in flow
arise, and pee shoots off in multiple directions. Depending on the angle
of the split, and the height of the source, one stream may exceed the
width of the toilet bowl. And now you know why we scoff at carpeted bathrooms.
Second, there is always some splashing. Comparatively miniscule, but much
more common, little drops of toilet water leap up and out of the bowl,
onto the rim, surrounding tiles, and occasionally our feet. Both of these
problems could be obviated by sitting to pee, but, I remind you, we men
are both lazy and inconsiderate.
Women also must have no idea of the remarkable diversity that exists in
men’s jons. While you’ve probably seen thousands of toilets,
most women could probably count the number of urinals they’ve seen
on one hand. You should definitely know about this. Men generally use
the basic urinal, the one you’ve seen on TV. These have various
small walls separating them. In the finest establishments six inch thick
walls separate individual urinals, and (though I can’t really say
why) I appreciate this. That luxury is not carried over into most bars.
In fact, many such establishments simply have one single, long urinal,
or ‘trough’, in which everyone pees together. I actually once
visited a circular trough, allowing me to observe a main directly in front
of me peeing, which I found horrifying. I can only assume that most men,
like me, avoid troughs unless very drunk.
Regular urinals can vary in shape too. Some are just circular bowls shooting
up from the floor, some are simply holes in the ground. Modern (and disturbed)
urinal designers have created a urinal shaped like a woman’s mouth
(recently installed and then promptly uninstalled at JFK Airport). Even
at the height of my inconsiderateness and fullness of bladder, I think
I would use the stall if presented with such a urinal.
In summary, men are too inconsiderate to sit while we pee. If we’re
good men we’ll do our best to clean up the splashes and split-stream
spills, but we won’t sit. We like a nice sturdy wall between ourselves
and the next urinator, but we’ll pee in anything if we’ve
been drinking beer all night. Now you know all that we know about peeing
upright. And I’m left only to wonder what mysteries you ladies hold.
For a full year I wrote a weekly column for a daily paper in Boulder CO. I wrote about being young, poor and green, and the column was widely loved throughout the city. It remains one of the most rewarding things I've ever done.
If you've got some time on your hands...check 'em out.
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